O NCE HANNA admitted having written the report， the other defendants had an easy game to play. When Hanna had not been acting alone， they claimed， she had pressured， threatened， and forced the others. She had seized command. She did the talking and the writing. She had made the decisions.
The villagers who testified could neither confirm nor deny this. They had seen that the burning church was guarded by several women who did not unlock it， and they had not dared to unlock it themselves. They had met the women the next morning as they were leaving the village， and recognized them as the defendants. But which of the defendants had been the spokeswoman at the early-morning encounter， or if anyone had played the role of spokeswoman， they could not recall.
But you cannot rule out that it was this defendantthe lawyer for one of the other defendants pointed at Hannawho took the decisions？
They couldnt， how could they even have wanted to， and faced with the other defendants， visibly older， more worn out， more cowardly and bitter， they had no such impulse. In comparison with the other defendants， Hanna was the dominant one. Besides， the existence of a leader exonerated the villagers；
having failed to achieve rescue in the face of a fiercely led opposing force looked better than having failed to do anything when confronted by a group of confused women.
Hanna kept struggling. She admitted what was true and disputed what was not. Her arguments became more desperate and more vehement. She didnt raise her voice， but her very intensity alienated the court.
Eventually she gave up. She spoke only when asked a direct question；
her answers were short， minimal， sometimes beside the point. As if to make clear that she had given up， she now remained seated when speaking. The presiding judge， who had told her several times at the beginning of the trial that she did not need to stand and could remain seated if she preferred， was put off by this as well. Towards the end of the trial， I sometimes had the sense that the court had had enough， that they wanted to get the whole thing over with， that they were no longer paying attention but were somewhere else， or rather hereback in the present after long weeks in the past.
I had had enough too. But I couldnt put it behind me. For me， the proceedings were not ending， but just beginning. I had been a spectator， and then suddenly a participant， a player， and member of the jury. I had neither sought nor chosen this new role， but it was mine whether I wanted it or not， whether I did anything or just remained completely passive.
Did anythingthere was only one thing to do. I could go to the judge and tell him that Hanna was illiterate. That she was not the main protagonist and guilty party the way the others made her out to be. That her behavior at the trial was not proof of singular incorrigibility， lack of remorse， or arrogance， but was born of her incapacity to familiarize herself with the indictment and the manuscript and also probably of her consequent lack of any sense of strategy or tactics. That her defense had been significantly compromised. That she was guilty， but not as guilty as it appeared.
Maybe I would not be able to convince the judge. But I would give him enough to have to think about and investigate further. In the end， it would be proved that I was right， and Hanna would be punished， but less severely. She would have to go to prison， but would be released soonerwasnt that what she had been fighting for？
Yes， that was what she had been fighting for， but she was not willing to earn victory at the price of exposure as an illiterate. Nor would she want me to barter her self-image for a few years in prison. She could have made that kind of trade herself， and did not， which meant she didnt want it. Her sense of self was worth more than the years in prison to her.
But was it really worth all that？What did she gain from this false self-image which ensnared her and crippled her and paralyzed her？
With the energy she put into maintaining the lie， she could have learned to read and write long ago.
I tried to talk about the problem with friends. Imagine someone is racing intentionally towards his own destruction and you can save himdo you go ahead and save him？
Imagine theres an operation， and the patient is a drug user and the drugs are incompatible with the anesthetic， but the patient is ashamed of being an addict and does not want to tell the anesthesiologistdo you talk to the anesthesiologist？
Imagine a trial and a defendant who will be convicted if he doesnt admit to being left-handeddo you tell the judge whats going on？
Imagine hes gay， and could not have committed the crime because hes gay， but is ashamed of being gay. It isnt a question of whether the defendant should be ashamed of being left-handed or gayjust imagine that he is.
因为汉娜承认那篇报告是她写的，其他被告就能轻松地出牌了。她们说，凡汉娜一个人处置不了的事情，她就逼迫、威胁和强迫其他被告一块做。她把指挥棒揽在自己手里。她既执笔又代言，她一直做最后决定。
对此，做证的村民既不可以证实又不可以反驳。他们看见那熊熊燃烧的教堂被很多穿制服的女性看守着，门没被打开。如此，他们自己也不敢去开门。当她们第二天早上开拔时，他们又遇到了她们，而且在这类被告中又认出了她们。但，因为只不过在晨窿中相遇，哪位被告是发号施令者，是不是真的有哪位被告在发号施令，他们也说不了解。
但你们不可以排除这位被告做了决定吧！另一位被告的辩护律师指着汉娜说。
他们不可以排除，他们如何能排除！看到其他被告明显地更年老，更疲倦，更胆小和更痛苦，他们也不想排除这种可能性。相比之下，汉娜就是个头头。此外，有个头头存在也减轻了村民们的负担。他们在一伙严厉的、有领导的女性面前没伸出援助之手总比在一帮不知所措的女性面前而没伸出援助之手要好得多。
汉娜继续抗争着，对的她就承认，错的她就反驳。她的反驳愈加困惑，愈加暴躁，她的声音不大，但其厉害程度令法庭感到惊讶。
她舍弃了争辩，只不过在被问到对她才说话。她的回答简短扼要，有时甚至漫不经心。仿佛为了叫人更明显地看出她已经舍弃了，她目前说话时也不站起来。审判长也惊讶地注意到了这一点。在法庭审理最初时，审判长曾多次对她说过不必站起来，她可以坐着讲话。
有时我会有一种感觉，感觉法庭在审理接近尾声时已经厌战了，想尽快把事情了结，大伙都已经心神不定，都想在经过几周对过去的审理后再回到日常来。
我也感到厌倦了，但我却不可以把事情置于脑后。对我来讲，审理没结束，而是刚最初。起初，我是一名听众，忽然之间我变成了参与者、一同游戏的人和一同决策者。我并没去探寻和选择这一新的角色，但我却得到了它，不管我想与否，不管我是采取了主动还是被动。
假如我能干什么的话，我也只能做一件事。我可以去找审判长，对他说汉娜是个文盲，她并不是如别的人所说的那样是个主角并负有主要责任。她在法庭上的言谈举止并不可以说明她特别固执己见、不理智或者厚颜无耻，而只能说明她对其控告词和那本书事前缺少知道和认识，也是因为她缺少策略战术意识的结果。
这对她为自己辩护极为不利。她虽然负有责任，但她所负的责任并非像看起来的那样重大。
或许我的话不可以令审判长信服，但，我会促进他去考虑，去调查研究。最后结果将证明我是对的。汉娜尽管将遭到惩罚，但她的罪责将会减轻。她尽管要坐牢，但会早些时候被放出来，会早些时候重获自由。她的争辩难道不正是为了这类吗？
是的，她是为此而抗争的，但她不愿为了获得成功而暴露源于己是个文盲，她不想为此付出代价。她也不会想我为了她在监狱里少呆几年而出卖她。她可以自己讨价还价，但她没那样做，说明她不想那样做。对她来讲，为了她的自我价值蹲几年监狱也值得。
但，这对她来讲真的值不值得？她从这种虚伪的、束缚她的、令其丧失活力的、使其没办法施展才能的自我价值中能得到什么呢？假如把用于掩饰真实谎话的精力用于学习，她早就能掌握读和写了。
当时，我曾试着与朋友就这个问题进行探讨。你设想一下，有人想毁掉自己，故意毁掉自己，你就是能挽救他，可你将挽救他吗？你设想一个手术，患者服用了连麻药都没办法相比的毒品，但他又耻于向麻醉师开口讲他服用了毒品，在这样的情况下，你能告诉麻醉师真相吗？
你设想一次法庭审理案，有一名被告将会遭到惩罚，他是个左撇子，但他为此感到羞耻。假如他不讲源于己是一个左撇子，因而不可以完成一个用右手推行的行为，你能对法庭说明此事吗？你设想一下，某人是一名同性恋者，作为同性恋他不会于某种行为，可是他又耻于做一名同性恋者而不说明真相。
这不是大家是不是应该耻于做一名左撇子或做一名同性恋者的问题，你想一想，这是被告为自己感到羞耻的问题。
